The Pain of Breaking up with a Loved One
Most of us emerge out of a breakup feeling wiser but it doesn’t take long for us to find ourselves back in the same old pattern of falling in love. After all, love is an experience that is irresistible to our brains, however, breakups are equally hard if not more. In more technical terms, a love-struck brain overflows with the happy hormones, dopamine and oxytocin whereas breakup leads to the release of stress hormones such as cortisol and epinephrine.
Some might compare breakups to an emotional rollercoaster, but the truth is far from it. It does not take a scientist to know what one would feel when a relationship goes for a toss, and it is not all that different from what we experience in a physical injury. The reason why words like pain, hurt, and ache aptly describe both emotional and physical injury is because both hit the same portion of our brains and follow the same neural route. This has been backed up by research and studies arrived at by scanning the brains of people who were experiencing heartbreaks.
When we face the pain of a breakup our mind simply registers it as an emergency and forces you to choose between fight or flee. Most of the time we end up fleeing, that goes into denial which results in raised heart rate etc. You might also feel the loss of appetite, insomnia, stomach and heard aches etc.
Breakups are hard times and we often feel depressed. We tend to find ways to get back to our ex or act in a negative way be it emotional or physical. It is important to learn to get back on with your life after a heartbreak. There are many ways which can help you do just that, just be positive and focus on yourself.
Useful Tips on Getting Over a Breakup
Falling in love is easy but getting over a breakup is one of the most difficult tasks you'll have to face in your lifetime. Heartbreaks are always sad no matter who initiated it. There are different ways you can use to try and cope with it, and if you are going through a break up right now you can go through the list of things you can do that might help you overcome it and find the new you.
Talk about it with People You Trust — or Strangers You’ll Never See Again
When you go through a breakup you end up feeling sad and lonely and this is the best time to reach out to the people who love and care about you. Talking can ease off a lot of pain and spending time talking can take the load off your brain. Talking with a stranger can also do the trick. You can also try and meet with your family members, join your old gang and hang out together and talk it out. Make sure you talk to people you trust. You'll be surprised to see the amount of love for you amongst the people you know.
Rebuild Your Self-Esteem
The important thing is to focus on your qualities and not think about why your partner might have left. While it is easier said than done, the one technique that you can use is jotting down your qualities, skills and strengths that matter in a relationship. Let your friends and family contribute and tell you why they value your presence in their lives. Remember, a breakup is a fragile situation where you will be your biggest critic and find non-existent faults in yourself. Stay close to the people who love you and let them help you rebuild your self-esteem and see you for who you are not what you think you are because of a failed relationship.
Buy Yourself a Big Bouquet of Pink Roses
This may sound weird but it is a sure-shot way of feeling better. Flowers are beautiful and they can cheer up anyone so why not yourself. Go out and get a bunch of pink roses for yourself and put them in a vase. Watch them and enjoy their beauty, tell yourself that you deserve them. You will feel much better by the time they wilt away. You can continue getting flowers of your favourite kind and put them in front of you each day until you feel better. Try it, it works.
Consider Deleting Your Ex's Number - for Now, Anyway.
Staying friends with an ex are not easy, even if you had mutually decided to remain friends. You will eventually find yourself tempted to call or text which could create a huge roadblock for you to fully recover from a breakup. Give yourself time to heal and overcome your emotions before deciding whether the relationship is worth continuing as friends or better left in the past. But in the meanwhile, delete your ex’s number until you are sure and in the right frame of mind to decide.
Remove Painful Memory Triggers
Try resetting your surroundings, move away or rearrange stuff that might trigger painful memories. A fresh start is what you need after a breakup and holding on to any keepsakes will pose a major hurdle in your road to recovery. You don’t need to throw away a treasured item, but consider keeping it away until you are ready to look at it with a smile and not a tear.
Take the Opportunity to Do Everything That They did not like You Doing
Breakups can also be looked at as an opportunity to be yourself without anyone judging you for enjoying what you love. You might have been in a relationship where you found it more convenient to let go of things you loved for the sake of your partner, but not anymore. Start doing things that you loved but compromised with to make your ex happy.
Use Your Free Time to Help Others
Did you know helping others can release hormones that make you feel happy and contented? Try it when you are sad and since relationships can be draining, forcing you to focus on one person and make your life revolves around that one person. What can be better than to utilise this time to lend a hand to the needy at a homeless shelter or a soup kitchen, and have heart-to-heart conversations that fill your heart with warmth and empathy. Listening to the people narrate their stories might even help you look at yours from a different angle.
Avoid Having a Rebound
Another normal thing to face during a breakup is going through a rebound. A rebound occurs when you are trying to evade your feelings and avoiding to acknowledge your pain. Rebounds result in remorse and nothing good comes out of thoughtlessly rushing into such relationships. The superficial high will eventually wear off and you will be left feeling more miserable than before. Not to mention that rebounds can even leave an unsuspecting participant to be left hanging. The more mature way of handling things would be to face your pain and deal with it rather than avoid it with a rebound.
Lose Yourself in a Good Book
Someone rightly said books are your best friend. Since you are staying home and moping around, instead of feeling sad and depressed find a good book to read and a quiet corner in the coffee shop. You go out and breathe some fresh air and who knows you might even find yourself engaging in some meaningful conversation with a like-minded person.
Work Through it with a Therapist
Seeing a therapist was a taboo in earlier days but now it's a different thing. Spending some time with a therapist can be a good way to cope with a lot of negative feelings during a breakup. When things don’t seem to be going in the right direction, despite your efforts over time, talk to a mental health professional. Seeking help is the best thing to do rather than trying to fight it off alone. Do not let depression engulf you and talk to the right people and let the right people gently guide you out, back to yourself.
The Don'ts After a Breakup
Now that we know what to do to get over a break up we also need to know what not do while you are trying to get over an ex. Here is a list of things you should not do while you are coping with a breakup.
- 1. No Do-over’s with exes: It is normal to miss the person you love but don't go back crying to your ex asking him/her to take you back.
- 2. No getting back at exes: another normal feeling is the feeling of revenge. It is important to wait and the feeling to hurt your ex emotionally or physically gets past you. Feeling revengeful brings negative energy and turns you into a person you don't want to be, it will leave you feeling remorseful at the end of it all.
- 3. No stalking on social media: The first thing you should do after a break up is to unfollow your ex on social media, it will prevent you from coming face to face with those memories you spent together.
- 4. No casual mention of exes to mutual friends: it is high time when you start thinking about yourself rather than trying to find out about your ex from mutual friends. You both are free people now without any commitments towards each other and have their own lives so, let it be that way. Find your happiness elsewhere, do the things you love and let your ex do what he/she thinks is best for them.
- 5. No drunk texting: It is ok to get drunk, but it is not ok to drunk dial or sends texts. It is wiser to give your phone to a friend in a bar and get drunk just to enjoy the evening.
- 6. Deal with the pain: a breakup brings a lot of pain, frustration and hurt. It is very important to deal with it rather than hiding it. The sooner you deal with, the better it gets.
- 7. Keep work and personal matters separate: Don't let a breakup hamper your work. Your personal and professional lives are two different things. Find someone you trust at work, share your feelings and get over it, get back to your work. It will help you get over your breakup faster than you thought.
Fun Ways of Getting Over a Breakup
Watch Funny Movies Related to Breakups
If you are taking a break and spending some time alone at home or even with friends, then we would suggest you watch these movies. What better way to get over a breakup than to spend some time watching funny movies about breakups for a good laugh and who knows, they might even help you feel better. Here is a list of some movies that are entertaining and will help you laugh again.
- 1. 'Girls Trip' - Watch and get inspired to finally go for that vacation that you have always dreamed of with your friends.
- 2. 'Some Like It Hot' - A magical concoction of Marilyn Monroe, drags and gangsters, this movie will make you laugh and reaffirm the saying that old is gold!
- 3. 'Blue Valentine' - If a good cry to let out that emotional build-up is what you need, then go for this movie that will take you on a journey quite similar to your own.
- 4. 'Closer' - Breakups tend to bring out the worst in a person, even when they eventually lead to something better in life. This movie is all about the raw emotions that a person goes through when they are experiencing a breakup.
- 5. 'John Tucker Must Die' - If you had a cheating ex and you have been left feeling vulnerable and angry, then watch a trio take revenge on a high school heartthrob.
Read Books on Breakups
Another good way to spend some time alone and not to think of your ex all the time is to read some good books. Here is a list of some books you might enjoy. Reading a book is a great time pass and you learn a lot from it. You will some great books that will help you realize how to cope up with life and it's situations.
- 1. What Was I Thinking 58 Bad Boyfriend Stories by Barbara Davilman
When looking for true love, it is easy to get caught up in emotions and dismiss even the very evident red flags. This book focuses on what women have learned in their respective failed relationships and is sure to bring a smile on your face.
- 2. The Ex-Files by Vandana Shah
This is the journey of a woman who spared no effort in salvaging a doomed marriage, was thrown out of the house she married into but who picks up pieces of her life and evolves into a community leader and finally a successful divorce lawyer. The book describes the ups and downs and even highlights the legal side of divorce. Read it, if you are not one to cry over a sour relationship but someone who would rather do something about it.
- 3. Hello Love by Karen McQuestion
A dog that helps a widower and divorcee cross paths, this book is a must-read for all those who are cuddling their furballs as they make their way out of a breakup and it's after-effects. It is a story complete with both humour and a few tears too.
- 4.The Breakup Bible by Melissa Kantor
Breakups are hard but the pain of the very first heartbreak seems unbearable. If you are a teen going through this painful phase, then you should not miss reading ‘The Breakup Bible’ that talks about how a high school junior follows some sound advice to finally mend her broken heart.
- 5. Getting Past Your Break-Up
A useful and pragmatic guide on how to avoid falling back into a relationship that you must avoid. The strategies explained will be extremely helpful to those looking for practical tips on getting back on the right track after a breakup.
What if you were in a long-distance relationship and you broke up even if you loved them dearly?
It's very complicated when two beautiful people love each other, but they can't be together for practical reasons. Things like distance are hard to overcome if one or both partners are unable or unwilling to make a move. Remind yourself that there were extenuating circumstances and that you were able to be in a loving relationship, even though it didn’t last. If you’re able, you might keep a friendship from a distance.